Sunday, May 22, 2016

sometimes, i cant decide if im angry with the world or with myself.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

i dont want to fall in love with anyone or anything like that sort for a really really really really long. i dont want to care. because the more you care, the higher you drop.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

i cant remember when is the last time i wrote something freely, and im glad technology allows me to type instead of write (because this is the time when i just cant be arsed to find a pen and paper, to feel the words)... or have all my thoughts come out naturally, first shot through my fingers. i just returned from my trip to edinburgh and i feel really sad. because i was told that my positivity is made up to hide my dissatisfaction with myself etc... and all i am doing is lying to myself. while part of me refuse to think that it is true, i have to agree...

Sunday, September 20, 2015

"Be yourself"... old philosophy that doesn't really mean anything. No one can be themselves, because everything and everyone is connected to everything and everyone else. Nothing can be something just on its own, intrinsically. Society, culture, our whole environment will always define our identity because that's how an identity is formed in the first place, and there's nothing we can do to avoid it. All we can do is learn to think and reason taking everything we can into consideration, questioning the dominant values and our own is a good place to start. But never assume that there's something inside you that needs discovery or that represents "the truth of yourself", what you need is to discover the whole world out there... and the more you discover, the more you know, the more you think, the more you change into a better version of yourself.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

This is my life lately…… I work alone, watch movies alone, draw alone, sleep alone, write alone. I have been very lazy and not very productive… I know. And I draw shit…. but I’m coming back and I promise myself and all of you more great stuff will coming and I gotta work hard and with my own heart.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

I have not felt this lonely before and I can't even cry myself to sleep because all these sadness is so overwhelming, it literally evaporated my tears... And i feel so dry I don't want to feel anything ever again.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Most dreaded question since summer started... (PART 1)

If you are having summer holidays, you are truly blessed (like me!!! Yayyyy!). Well, because it means you are still a student. What more can you ask for to have the luxury of time and money to gain experience and knowledge? Summer holidays are breaks, for which you have the choice and time off to do whatever you like, whilst enjoying the great British (if you reside in Britain, that is...) weather. :P

Halfway through my summer holidays and I feel like I dread this question a lot... I can already imagine it once uni starts my classmates, friends, family, tutors, and strangers would ask,

"What have you been doing for summer?" or variations of the same question.

And this intense pang of guilt would hit me. Even before summer holidays started, I already had this scene in my head.

It's this freedom which forces me to find ways to best make use of it. What should I do? I got all this time to do whatever the fuck I want. However, the things I do today would eventually affect who I become tomorrow.

Should I get a summer job to save some money for future moves to new cities? Should I make use of my overseas study experience and do some travelling? Should I intern at a reputable company, forming the very basics of a reputable CV, thereby setting the path of my future career? So many choices and planning, much annoyance...

Simply said, all these decisions could possibly make a great deal out of my future. I then question myself... Why do I feel this way? Where is all these pressure coming from?

The Three Fs
The pressure can be simplified to three main sources; friends, family and future.

It's terribly hard not to compare yourself with the people around you, especially with the people you hang out with. I mean, typical conversation among your mates would be like,

Friend A: "So, what are you planning to do this summer?"
Friend B: "I'm going to intern at this magazine place. Heard of *insert new indie magazine that has amazing Instagram feed*? They are getting big! Think it'll look nice on my CV, plus making networks... What about you?"
Friend A: "Going back home. I miss the food... my boyfriend and family! :( :( :( Maybe get a part-time while I'm back. :P"
Me: *keeps quiet and listens while internally fidgeting about my summer plans*

See what I mean? Perhaps the lack of a concrete goal does not allow me to be directed in the path I want to take. My mind spins, dashing to my friends' individual plans, it seems like everything would make a pretty-okay suggestion but....

Do I want to work in a editorial company? No.
Then, is there some company you want to or feel passionate about? No... maybe... I don't know?
Okay... Do you want to go back home? No, it's too hot and I don't miss the food and I can always Skype my mom but I don't feel the intense need to go back home...
Sure, then what about getting a part-time job, you can get some MO! No.

And then I just feel so meh, because I don't know what I want. Yet the pressure from my friends' productive plans just puts a little load on me.

On the mention on my mom, I must admit, I do miss my family and I Skype them once (or maybe twice) a week to see how they are doing. At the same time, they would be interested in what I have been up to or my plans in general. Inevitably, since summer is a longer stretch of break (comparably, to the weekends) they like to know what would I be doing and all that.

Mom: "What are you going to do for summer?"
Me: "I don't know..."
Mom: "Okay, then how are you going to spend the time?"
Me: "I don't know... How's Brandy (our dog)"
Mom: "Sure if you don't want to. But you should think of next year, I mean, it's your final year and you are graduating."
Me: :(

Bam! *Beep beep beep* A truck dumps another load of pressure into the bucket of 'plans for summer'. What is happening? Isn't summer holidays suppose to feel free and a stress-free period?

It will happen and it constantly changes. The future is mind-blowing to me in so many ways!

Maybe it's because we know it's going to come, and not knowing how it's going to turn out makes it nerve-wrecking and maybe even a little scary. This would eventually drive pressure. Among all the three 'F's, I think this is the strongest source for me.

The future seems so bright yet dull at the same time. As off what is happening around the world, it is not looking great. Yet it's this power of change which is in my hands makes the whole thing brighter... you know, hope? Everything feels uncertain. How do people start adulthood? Is there even such a thing?

And these is how I found summer holidays stressful. Somehow, I have lived through half of it and I actually don't feel so bad and useless... Let me continue to share why and what I have done the next part (because I am lazy to type now and its dinner time!) :P