2021

I'm 28 now. Sometimes, I go back here to see the past me, and compare how I was and who I am today. Feel like some things are still the same, i'm just as cynical and dissapointed with the world, as much as with myself. Is growing up suppose to feel this way? Anyone out there share these feelings with me?

2018

I can't remember when's the last time I'd really wrote something to express myself. In fact, I cannot remember who I was unless I'd look through the posts from the past. But right now, I don't feel well. Emotionally, maybe these are signs of growth if I feel uncomfortable - after all, I say this all the times to my students.

sometimes, i cant decide if im angry with the world or with myself.

i dont want to fall in love with anyone or anything like that sort for a really really really really long. i dont want to care. because the more you care, the higher you drop.

i cant remember when is the last time i wrote something freely, and im glad technology allows me to type instead of write (because this is the time when i just cant be arsed to find a pen and paper, to feel the words)... or have all my thoughts come out naturally, first shot through my fingers. i just returned from my trip to edinburgh and i feel really sad. because i was told that my positivity is made up to hide my dissatisfaction with myself etc... and all i am doing is lying to myself. while part of me refuse to think that it is true, i have to agree...

"Be yourself"... old philosophy that doesn't really mean anything. No one can be themselves, because everything and everyone is connected to everything and everyone else. Nothing can be something just on its own, intrinsically. Society, culture, our whole environment will always define our identity because that's how an identity is formed in the first place, and there's nothing we can do to avoid it. All we can do is learn to think and reason taking everything we can into consideration, questioning the dominant values and our own is a good place to start. But never assume that there's something inside you that needs discovery or that represents "the truth of yourself", what you need is to discover the whole world out there... and the more you discover, the more you know, the more you think, the more you change into a better version of yourself.

This is my life lately…… I work alone, watch movies alone, draw alone, sleep alone, write alone. I have been very lazy and not very productive… I know. And I draw shit…. but I’m coming back and I promise myself and all of you more great stuff will coming and I gotta work hard and with my own heart.