- 4

hello friends, my nails are made of chrome.

i try not to be superficial but my nails really need some changes.

am i being self-centered? cause my mom said i am the most selfish person. i just hate myself and every other living thing that has a IQ level high enough to do math problems.

so yeah, maybe i am self centered. do i have a undo button or a backspace to correct that?

"Have you ever been kissed by God? Passionately (tongue, lips, etc.)? Or are you one who simply condemns God to the realm of the invisible? When do you feel most comfortable? When do you feel most loved? Perhaps it is in the warm embrace of your lover or in the assuring touch of your mother. Perhaps, like me, you have likened this person to God in your life and realized that God was loving you through them. Or maybe you don’t believe in God. Cool. Here’s a simpler question: Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss? I mean pure psychedelic inebriation. Not just lustful petting but transcendental metamorphosis when you became aware that the greatness of this being was breathing into you. Licking the sides and corners of your mouth, like sealing a thousand fleshy envelopes filled with the essence of your passionate being and then opened by the same mouth and delivered back to you, over and over again—the first kiss of the rest of your life. A kiss that confirms that the universe is aligned, that the world’s greatest resource is love, and maybe even that God is a woman. With or without a belief in God, all kisses are metaphors decipherable by allocations of time, circumstance, and understanding. - Saul Williams. Introduction to “said the shot gun to the head."

— Saul Williams

sometimes, i get all this really weird unorthodox ideas. even though i know it's meant to be that way, or at least i'm taught by 'adept' adults around me, i really really feel that there are rules that need to be broken. i'm not going to state which or what because i am not brave enough to do that and undergo the consequences it carries. i'm just saying. i mean, this whole time, i type in all this stuff onto my blog (and unseeingly, i may or may not know you), i wonder if anyone ever agrees with me. it would be nice to know that somebody out there share the same opinions as me. it feels accepted. i see the stats, some people from germany (hopefully) read my blog. can you tell these emotions i have? do i need to use better vocabularies so that it would be more...precise? i dont think i' can share all my thoughts to the closest people i know. like they say, your enemies may be proximately under your nose. and let say i do share it with my friends. my school mates. will they get it? i'm not declaring that they are shallow, superficial. but—


i reckon my brain's gonna explode. what if i never wake up tomorrow (chances are exceedingly low. ha. ha. )....god, i'm sick of people thinking i'm eccentric, in a bad way. 

-

i.

is it normal to hate your mother? cause i do. alot.

i'm not a moppy person. it's just that nothing makes me happy. so yeah. damn. i spilled my tea.

nowadays, seems like every other post on my blog is NSFW, ok so no nudity. but loads of swear words. ajksdhkusgfksjfbgvkhajsdb87g374gbelwbjklabDJdbja,bjakS

couldnt agree anymore.

and so

i questioned myself too!

parenting 102 ...or 103?

i dont exactly have the rights to teach or guide anyone into parenting. but, i do think alike, like all teenagers do. we hate our parents once in a while (though deep down, you are still that little girl or boy who used to hold mummy's hand). nevertheless, there are actually ways of pleasing your begetter, without degrading yourself or your pride. after watching numerous teen movies, i learnt that lowering your parents expectation s of you is the best way to do so.

let's say, you had a test. wait- a math test. and you obviously know you're gonna fail it since you didn't spend your time wisely, like your momma told you to, and wasted it on stalking people on facebook. so, like you predicted, you did fail the test. BUT! you can be clever when you confront (or be confronted by) your parents. so you walked into the living room, holding on to that wretched math paper and promptly handed over to your dad. before you let your parents speak a word, say something like this....

"dad! i know i was gonna' fail but i improved! i really tried all my best but i made some improvements! even mr so-and-so said so!"

by this moment, your mom would release her scrunched up facial expression and go soft on you. because YOU MADE AN IMPROVEMENT! it may be a mark or two, but you didn't exactly lie, righttttttt? so, hopefully your parents, after you lowered their expectations of you, would tell you 'good job son (or daughter) and you can happily go back to stalking your ex while spared from a punishment. and this applies to almost — oh wait i got attracted to the strange screaming voices from the horror movie my parents were watching.............. —everything! even if you overspent your allowance or your parents asking about your debit card. it works! really. at least for me. although i don't have to take any test, i usually get away with it when my parents ask why i come home so late (it's the holidays!) and i lower their expectations by saying i was earlier than the previous night out.

then againnnnnnnnnn............you have to be careful not to lie but twist your words carefully. that's all for today. bye. MOVIE TIME! oh and here's the video i previously said i did

i was so bored i'd

decided to cycle to nowhere. and placed the camera in my basket and recorded nothingness.

today, my dad asked me something which was very much intellectually disabled. when i reached the front door and unlocking the gate...
Dad:"So are you back home already?" *while reading his newspaper in the living room*
Me:"No dad, I'm still out in the woods."

I don't know if my dad know that it was actually a snide remark, but I think he laughed. completely mental. the question is. oh, yes, out of boredom, i did pierced my eyes (oh fuck, did i type eyes?! i wish i have the courage to pierce my eyes, then i won't have to see this world ever again but no, i pierced my ear). not like my brain needs anymore holes but what is wrong with me. and i was alone this time. i think i got influenced, i'm insane. INSANNNEEEEEEEE! fuck everyone. i'm not really a misanthrope or being cynical but shit, i can't stand the sight of humans. i wish i'm an ant. so i die fast and small. and my death would be insignificant, therefore, there won't be any funeral for me.

Yesterday

was the bongz.



:)

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you know what? i'm gonna' — okay, nevermind. UGHnsjkabrnjabjsbdasbdansmdbasnmdvasbndvasbnvasbndvsabnmdvasndbvasfabsjk.dawhs.wdas.dsadjasbasjmfbadasma mf,andfasmndas,mdnasmfbamsnbdmhjwamahsvmhdvasgsabv sc asnbc asmbcvasmbnvasmnbvsamnbdvasbnfvas/fjalsdkl..

haha you wimpy kid

so i'd watched wimpy kid last last saturday, and realized i need to clear my desktop so here's my favorite screen shots from the movie when they were having a party. hahahah rowley is so cute! :D 

Let It Enfold You by Charles Bukowski

Before you start reading this, please play the following music video while reading it through. 

strangest combo, but i think it suits, leh.

Let It Enfold You by Charles Bukowski

either peace or happiness,
let it enfold you

when i was a young man
I felt these things were
dumb,unsophisticated.
I had bad blood,a twisted
mind, a precarious
upbringing.

I was hard as granite,I
leered at the
sun.
I trusted no man and
especially no
woman.

I was living a hell in
small rooms, I broke
things, smashed things,
walked through glass,
cursed.
I challenged everything,
was continually being
evicted, jailed, in and
out of fights, in and about
of my mind.
women were something
to screw and rail
at, I had no male
friends,

I changed jobs and
cities, I hated holidays,
babies, history,
newspapers, museums,
grandmothers,
marriage, movies,
spiders, garbagemen,
english accents,spain,
france,italy,walnuts and
the color
orange.
algebra angered me,
opera sickened me,
charlie Chaplin was a
fake
and flowers were for
pansies.

peace an happiness to me
were signs of
inferiority,
tenants of the weak
an
addled
mind.

but as I went on with
my alley fights,
my suicidal years,
my passage through
any number of
women-it gradually
began to occur to
me
that I wasn't different

from the
others, I was the same,

they were all fulsome
with hatred,
glossed over with petty
grievances,
the men I fought in
alleys had hearts of stone.
everybody was nudging,
inching, cheating for
some insignificant
advantage,
the lie was the
weapon and the
plot was
empty
darkness was the
dictator.

cautiously, I allowed
myself to feel good
at times.
I found moments of
peace in cheap
rooms
just staring at the
knobs of some
dresser
or listening to the
rain in the
dark.
the less i needed
the better i
felt.

maybe the other life had worn me
down.
I no longer found
glamour
in topping somebody
in conversation.
or in mounting the
body of some poor
drunken female
whose life had
slipped away into
sorrow.

I could never accept
life as it was,
i could never gobble
down all its
poisons
but there were parts,
tenuous magic parts
open for the
asking.

I re formulated
I don't know when,
date,time,all
that
but the change
occurred.
something in me
relaxed, smoothed
out.
i no longer had to
prove that i was a
man,

I didn't have to prove
anything.

I began to see things:
coffee cups lined up
behind a counter in a
cafe.
or a dog walking along
a sidewalk.
or the way the mouse
on my dresser top
stopped there
with its body,
its ears,
its nose,
it was fixed,
a bit of life
caught within itself
and its eyes looked
at me
and they were
beautiful.
then- it was
gone.

I began to feel good,
I began to feel good
in the worst situations
and there were plenty
of those.
like say, the boss
behind his desk,
he is going to have
to fire me.

I've missed too many
days.
he is dressed in a
suit, necktie, glasses,
he says, "i am going
to have to let you go"

"it's all right" i tell
him.

He must do what he
must do, he has a
wife, a house, children.
expenses, most probably
a girlfriend.

I am sorry for him
he is caught.

I walk onto the blazing
sunshine.
the whole day is
mine
temporally
anyhow.

(the whole world is at the
throat of the world,
everybody feels angry,
short-changed, cheated,
everybody is despondent,
disillusioned

I welcomed shots of
peace, tattered shards of
happiness.

I embraced that stuff
like the hottest number,
like high heels,breasts,
singing,the
works.

(don't get me wrong,
there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism
that overlooks all
basic problems just for
the sake of
itself-
this is a shield and a
sickness.)

The knife got near my
throat again,
I almost turned on the
gas
again
but when the good
moments arrived
again
I didn't fight them off
like an alley
adversary.
I let them take me,
i luxuriated in them,
I bade them welcome
home.
I even looked into
the mirror
once having thought
myself to be
ugly,
I now liked what
I saw,almost
handsome,yes,
a bit ripped and
ragged,
scares,lumps,
odd turns,
but all in all,
not too bad,
almost handsome,
better at least than
some of those movie
star faces
like the cheeks of
a babies
butt.

and finally I discovered
real feelings of
others,
unheralded
like lately,
like this morning,
as I was leaving,
for the track,
i saw my wife in bed,
just the
shape of
her head there
(not forgetting
centuries of the living
and the dead and
the dying,
the pyramids,
Mozart dead
but his music still
there in the
room, weeds growing,
the earth turning,
the tote board waiting for
me)
I saw the shape of my
wife's head,
she so still,
i ached for her life,
just being there
under the
covers.

i kissed her in the,
forehead,
got down the stairway,
got outside,
got into my marvelous
car,
fixed the seatbelt,
backed out the
drive.
feeling warm to
the fingertips,
down to my
foot on the gas
pedal,
I entered the world
once
more,
drove down the
hill
past the houses
full and empty
of
people,
i saw the mailman,
honked,
he waved
back
at me.

omz

before

after.

source: http://sophiewillocq.blogspot.com/ 

that's 4 post in one day. lol. too bored already.

.

it's not like anybody cares.

cold dark.... air conditioned room

i just have too much to say,

yes, i do have many things swimming in my head. like how unfair this is or that is. or why can't it turn out to be what i want. there's a million things i want to know, or at least let it all out. i'm frustrated, like how a teenager wants to grow out of ,to become independent yet, i don't think i want to loose the child-like innocence i have. i want answers. i want answers. i don't really get what' i'm typing now, i'm just typing whatever's in my mind. i'd seen some people on Facebook, boasting, well not exactly boosting, but telling the world or sharing images from their oversea trip. i wish i can be where they are now. i'm really bored and tired and bored in this place. it's like every time i start a new blog entry, i write almost the identical thing. how i wish i can just go away and become someone else instead. what am i going to be for the next ten years? i'm scared. i'm afraid of the future, of who i would turn out to be. i mean, my parents won't live forever. my sister got her own life. and i'm all alone in this place. it's frightening, the thought of being alone. and i'm not expecting someone to come along, and scoop me into their heart. it's like- .... .... it's like SO NFJSKDALJHLASHBAHJKSBAHSJVASGAVSGAHMSVAGHSVGHAVSLAUGUILEHLIUWHELWIUEHLEIUHELUAHSLIUA.

i wish i'm a cactus.

i'm not screaming for attention or anything on that line. but i just want answers. like. ....... ....all those what if's. after all, humans are really wretched, sinful, dirt filled creatures. you can trust nobody, but God. BUT GOD ISNT EXACTLY  PHYSICALLY AVAILABLE! sigh. and i can't go swimming now. :(

out for a while

hello, i did something over the weekend and spent loads of cash.

and new clothes! you can see the facial equipment in my mother's facial room. i need to bulk up my drawing skills. bye bye.