i. am. so. bored. and. unmotivated.

loads of year ones for doc this year. i'm scared. like what if this and that. that and this. somehow i don't want to continue. but then again camp is so fun. perhaps if i ignore the awkward first times it would be better. i've yet to gather time to get christmas presents. :( i think i don't have direction in life. so lost. wandering....like waiting for each grain of time slipping into nothingness. i am not making any sense.

hello. sometimes, i'm scared. sometimes, i feel braver. wish im a better person.

Holler at me if you read my blog!~~ HOLLA'BACK SANDY

sketches

pretty girls

every girl is pretty. i really think it's true. but you can't be lazy.... however its tough to be beautiful and outstanding because it only comes from inside.

it's 20112011!!! WOOHOOOPPPP!

nsfw...or is it?

i want to tear my chest open too. but instead of butterflies/moths flying out. i want it to be all the bad thoughts and memories. BE GONE.

oOOOoooe mah' gahahahahhah

i am so lame. i am still breathing oxygen and drinking water. i should slit my throat and drink bleach instead. lol. hahahah wtv. omgggggg.... my life is so normal. so boring like a piece of gum that got chewed and stucked under the chair. LOL

life is so mundane. getting entertained by really random things.

I came across this poem while searching for the word, 'malign' on google. After reading this thrice, it still haunts me. I don't know, but even it's broad daylight, I am frightened by my own shadow. Big impact.

The Shadow by annoymous

At first the shadow smiled.

Darkness has no weight, and its smile was as empty as the air.
Watching it haunt me, dancing,
I fancied it had a purpose,
That if I left it long enough it would go away.
But the moon revealed a sinister side;
The face – that was mine – turned,
The lips curdled into a snarl,
The dance a march, stomping.

Night-time became my prison;
Stuck inside, in brilliant light, buried and burned in brightness,
I yearned for the half-grey twilight,
For the softer shades on corners,
For the plump heaviness of depth.

Outside, the city roared;
I had no part of it, but gazed out as a stranger must gaze on another world.

Who would hold me from my shadow?
None, but me;
My only weapon, light.
I slept; but my dreams were fractured, shattered,
The city’s call oppressive,
The moments dragging,
The hours, dead.
I paced; I turned;
Threw myself into books;
Marched the square space, seething.

I would damn light!
Without light there would be no dark!

The moments mounted into terror,
A fear of stillness,
For in stillness shadows crept,
A fear of sleep,
For black behind my eyes began to move,
A fear of tiredness,
For I was getting weak.

Shadows: how they crawled,
Always out of sight, resting, testing,
Forever waiting,
Breathing,
Slipping,
Climbing,
Pouncing,
Disappearing,
Flat and tiny snakes, violent, chasing.

Light!
Light kept me alive,
But light was killing me,
Throbbing into my eyes,
Glaring into my brain,
A sea of pain, drowning me.
I paced;
I swore;
Grasped at the half-torn madness,
Fluttered at my dying sanity.

A shadow!
Tiny, slithering, flitting and flickering,
It hugged the far corners,
Eyeing me.

Keep back!

It made no move,
Paused in its feeble strength,
Holding, weighing,
Delicately testing,
And now it began to grow,
Faintly, slowly,
Battling the steady light,
Feeding, breathing, absorbing, cursing,
Fighting its way to a bitter strength,
Watching, expanding,
Quietly laughing,
A liquid pool of black washing, lapping,
Endlessly consuming.

The floor shrank;
Slowly, mightily,
The darkness cursed its way forwards,
Touching and eating,
Irresistible,
As the lights flickered and a gloom descended …

pique

everyone thinks im weird. sometimes i think it's cool cause it means i am unique enough to be odd and unordinary. then again, i think it isnt a good thing. because the things i say and how i behave scare people. sometimes, i think, i scare myself.

i enjoy really gore and torture movies, books, stories, manga. and i will chuckle at how ridiculous the storyline or the production. what scares myself the most is that i also love drawing them. guts, intestines. blood. people dying. i really like blood. will i grow up to be a killer? will i? because a few times, i got myself accidentally cut and got bruises and ...and i felt myself attracted to the wounds. the blood trickled nonchalantly...almost like semi solid. caking around the cut. the more i squeeze it, the more blood came running out. is this normal?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? i am so disgusting.  i am so disgusting. i am fucking disgusting....

somebody come offer me an escape. please please.

impeccable silence

i was showering just now after coming back from school. and then the sky was drowned with grey clouds and rain. you know, that feeling you when water gets stuck in your ears while washing your hair? so you can't really hear as clearly, like every sound is muffled and there's this weird ringing echoe. water trickling down the shower head combined with the rain and thunder outside.

it was awesome and that experience can some what be related to this song....the piano especially.

ugh i don't want to do my assignments but submission IS TOMORROW. zz

parents that never listen to your side of the story. no matter in what tone or ways you'd tried. the nice and gentle or the shouting and brawling.
never works if i'm the one whose reasoning out with them. so i gave up and stopped. i  just nodded to whatever they say. but no, it's still wrong. 'why arent you saying a word, cunt?' .... even if it wasn't my fault and i apologized, hopefully ending the argument, it would never work.

used to read 'teenage' and particularly enjoyed the dear kelly column because it gave advices that's related to communication with parents. tried all her suggestions and none of them had it's effect on mine. who the hell do i go to? the same advices all over again from friends. useless, because they don't experience the same parenting. it's not like i don't have friends. just never had one that's close enough to share problems with. maybe someone reading this would think... 'what a attention seeking whore, this bitch. ' ... i don't know but my life feels crap and if comparing me with a child from a third world country would make me feel better, i have nothing else to say.

realized that there are so much more i need to upgrade myself. oh lord, how do people come up with brilliant ideas? feel like a squashed slug because my brain is melting. time is slipping too! submission next week, school plans and after diploma plans and money plans. this, that and everything else.

i don't think that trying to stay fit and wanting to improve your body is erm, superficial.

anyway, i think an ant colony is very similar to a communist community.

i keep telling myself to go on and start on a diet but i have not. not even. i still eat as much nutella with WHITE bread (2 pieces) and a glass of milk for breakfast. rice/meat for lunch and rice and meat for second lunch and some rice and meat for dinner. and loads of veggies. i hadnt been cutting down my amount at all. lol. okay, i want to have fucking skinny legs. i want to lose 5 kg! it isn't that hard. and the money i saved from cutting down on food can be used for my next haircut/treatment n___n I CAN DO IT!

who and who is so damn annoying. sometimes, i want to shout to it's face, 'leave me alone you creep!' because who and who had been texting me alot even though i said go away. so now i don't even bother replying.

WHOOOHOOO BYEBYE