losing grip

Sometimes, at different times of the day, I have so much going into my head. I feel really alone, because I don't have anyone, anywhere or anyway I can let it go. Perhaps, through this blog I can pour a little out. Just a tiny portion. But I'm always craving, and afraid because the internet is everyone, which is a paradox to what i've previously mentioned. Have you ever feel this way before?

Like you have friends, but when you need someone you can't seem to make yourself look for help.

I don't like myself. I don't like my friends, I feel so insufferable and bad about everything. It's not trendy to feel bad. I just do, and it cannot be helped and its very very very brave for typing this out right now. But I really need somewhere I can throw all this out, might explode if I don't. If anyone whose reading this, who personally know me, I'm sure you might lose respect for me...... and I'm sorry because I am weak, and I cannot stand firmly on my own.

I wish I can rub myself clean; my judgements, neurosis and emotions. There are really happy and nice people out there whom I encounter everyday. They make me feel sick. At the same time, I wish I could be as happy like them, too. Why is it so difficult? I do feel grateful, but there's just this... idek.

Also,

opening up is tough. When you do, people would make use of your vulnerability, and dump salt in your raw wounds. It doesn't feel nice, at all....

Please,

can you understand? Let this work if you let me cut you open, so I don't have to feel alone. And you don't have to feel alone. I'll promise to do the same. I know I'm a little rotten, but don't let that discourage you. Because I'm going to lose my grip, soon.