I have not felt this lonely before and I can't even cry myself to sleep because all these sadness is so overwhelming, it literally evaporated my tears... And i feel so dry I don't want to feel anything ever again.

Most dreaded question since summer started... (PART 1)

If you are having summer holidays, you are truly blessed (like me!!! Yayyyy!). Well, because it means you are still a student. What more can you ask for to have the luxury of time and money to gain experience and knowledge? Summer holidays are breaks, for which you have the choice and time off to do whatever you like, whilst enjoying the great British (if you reside in Britain, that is...) weather. :P

Halfway through my summer holidays and I feel like I dread this question a lot... I can already imagine it once uni starts my classmates, friends, family, tutors, and strangers would ask,

"What have you been doing for summer?" or variations of the same question.

And this intense pang of guilt would hit me. Even before summer holidays started, I already had this scene in my head.

It's this freedom which forces me to find ways to best make use of it. What should I do? I got all this time to do whatever the fuck I want. However, the things I do today would eventually affect who I become tomorrow.

Should I get a summer job to save some money for future moves to new cities? Should I make use of my overseas study experience and do some travelling? Should I intern at a reputable company, forming the very basics of a reputable CV, thereby setting the path of my future career? So many choices and planning, much annoyance...

Simply said, all these decisions could possibly make a great deal out of my future. I then question myself... Why do I feel this way? Where is all these pressure coming from?

The Three Fs
The pressure can be simplified to three main sources; friends, family and future.

(Friends)
It's terribly hard not to compare yourself with the people around you, especially with the people you hang out with. I mean, typical conversation among your mates would be like,

Friend A: "So, what are you planning to do this summer?"
Friend B: "I'm going to intern at this magazine place. Heard of *insert new indie magazine that has amazing Instagram feed*? They are getting big! Think it'll look nice on my CV, plus making networks... What about you?"
Friend A: "Going back home. I miss the food... my boyfriend and family! :( :( :( Maybe get a part-time while I'm back. :P"
Me: *keeps quiet and listens while internally fidgeting about my summer plans*

See what I mean? Perhaps the lack of a concrete goal does not allow me to be directed in the path I want to take. My mind spins, dashing to my friends' individual plans, it seems like everything would make a pretty-okay suggestion but....

Do I want to work in a editorial company? No.
Then, is there some company you want to or feel passionate about? No... maybe... I don't know?
Okay... Do you want to go back home? No, it's too hot and I don't miss the food and I can always Skype my mom but I don't feel the intense need to go back home...
Sure, then what about getting a part-time job, you can get some MO! No.

And then I just feel so meh, because I don't know what I want. Yet the pressure from my friends' productive plans just puts a little load on me.


(Family)
On the mention on my mom, I must admit, I do miss my family and I Skype them once (or maybe twice) a week to see how they are doing. At the same time, they would be interested in what I have been up to or my plans in general. Inevitably, since summer is a longer stretch of break (comparably, to the weekends) they like to know what would I be doing and all that.

Mom: "What are you going to do for summer?"
Me: "I don't know..."
Mom: "Okay, then how are you going to spend the time?"
Me: "I don't know... How's Brandy (our dog)"
Mom: "Sure if you don't want to. But you should think of next year, I mean, it's your final year and you are graduating."
Me: :(

Bam! *Beep beep beep* A truck dumps another load of pressure into the bucket of 'plans for summer'. What is happening? Isn't summer holidays suppose to feel free and a stress-free period?

(Future)
It will happen and it constantly changes. The future is mind-blowing to me in so many ways!

Maybe it's because we know it's going to come, and not knowing how it's going to turn out makes it nerve-wrecking and maybe even a little scary. This would eventually drive pressure. Among all the three 'F's, I think this is the strongest source for me.

The future seems so bright yet dull at the same time. As off what is happening around the world, it is not looking great. Yet it's this power of change which is in my hands makes the whole thing brighter... you know, hope? Everything feels uncertain. How do people start adulthood? Is there even such a thing?


And these is how I found summer holidays stressful. Somehow, I have lived through half of it and I actually don't feel so bad and useless... Let me continue to share why and what I have done the next part (because I am lazy to type now and its dinner time!) :P

“An honorable human relationship—that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word ‘love’—is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other. 

It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation. It is important to do this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity.

It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us.” —Adrienne Rich, On Lies, Secrets, and Silence

__


When we become real people to one another, we become less susceptible to hurting and policing one another, both figuratively and in the very literal and pragmatic senses of poking holes in the lie of a dominant and univocal mode of living as the “right” one. Vulnerability is not a wound, but a cure.

silent riot

sometimes ive got a lot to say, but i give second thoughts before turning them in to actual spoken words. is it the right situation? would it leave a negative impact? what are these risks if i do?

i mean, not every single sentence turns in to a internal debate, but i like to give them a bit of a filter before letting them go. unless, it's laughter or just weird sounds....

perhaps, one day when i muster enough rage and courage, it would explode... but i hope it would turn beautiful. somehow i also imagine this metaphorically like a exploding pimple with it's pus flying everywhere... the satisfaction and disgust, emotions mix in to one.

your beautiful mind

you have a beautiful mind. your experiences, believes, thinking and perception makes you, and you as a whole, physically as a body and your mind as its own entity. this matter that resides in your head, they would disappear in this world in time to come but everlasting in another... to infinity.

do not despair or feel unworthy, because it is only temporary as change is constant. there would never be the same moment ever again. keep up, you are doing well.

I do not like the idea of 'fan page', or perhaps this term.

I think having 'fans' are suppose to support this idea that you are being followed, greatly admired for whatever achievement you have gained, possibly be inspired to also gain such success. Somehow, I feel that social platforms have totally twisted this and made a negative turn to many people with a huge followers base to feel entitled. Maybe this does not apply to everyone but it appears to be a trend (within the trend lol) from my observations.

It is a shame... our selfie generation and the chase for fame through technology is slowly wrapping our heads and changing ourselves in to shells.

my heart aches

i dont like this feeling and i want to stop experiencing it. i dont want to be in love or all the nonsense. its going through all over again. fuck this

modern consumerism is digusting

living abroad

one of the greatest joy of living abroad is the luxury of freedom and choice. i mean, to be able to stay abroad is already a luxury of choice, which then opens more doors of opportunity.

living abroad allowed me to compare my life back home and somewhere else,  mainly to be able to witness the contrast of culture, and through such experiences i gain knowledge in a wider scope.

perhaps, it allows you to acknowledge the fact that you can go anywhere on earth (even beyond) and this has a lot to do with space (especially urban spaces). singapore/ hong kong are both very small, and they pose restrictions in physical, mental and spiritual within the aspect of space. to live in a place which is bigger, allowed me to physically feel free and my mind had more space, and courage to try/do more things.

just like able to think something like this, is probably because of staying abroad. ITS AWESOME!

i feel so blessed, thanks mom + dad + everyday experiences + god + life + everything that allow me to be me at this moment :D