groans and moans

just came back from school and here i am, scooping chocolate spread from my jar of sainsbury chocolate spread. if you can tell, i'm really on a super tight budget. lol, kudos to the house brand chocolate spread! it's literally just sugar with 1% taste of chocolate in it. i don't understand how my friends can effort to dine out for every meal (thanks, instagram). i feel like a slack because the first thing i'm doing is open this jar of chocolate spread and bloggin about it right now. at least, it's made in in uk with '100% farm fresh milk'! hurrah!

lol, i am so sad. but fuck it. fuck everyone. 

it's kind of tough trying to start a conversation with people here. i'm not sure, maybe its my incapability to speak beautiful sounding- english. not like my grammar is any better. the conversations are so awkward, i fully understand how annoyed my recipients (is it even called recipients?) would get. 

typical conversation with a new person....

me:"hey, wow so you're doing graphics? oh wait, of course you're doing graphics *trololol* you're in this lecture hall!!!" 

person:"yeah. ha ha!"

me:"so where are you from? pretty dress by the way"

person:"really? thanks *smiles politely* i'm from_________"

me:"wow, that's so cool! .... .. ....."

and then it gets so fucking silent because i don't know how to continue most of time. even with asians/chinese. i'm pretty sure it's my english. it's so awful. gosh, i feel like a little caged rat cause people don't understand the way i speak. and usually i'm quite cheerful and genuinely interested in regardless who/what background they are from. also, when they said 'pardon' and i have to repeat myself a few times..... like you know how you tell a joke and nobody gets it even after you've explained it. what a giant piece of gum i'd stepped on.

at least, well at least, most of the conversation starters involves my braces buttons which 99.9% of the people i encounter mistake it as piercings. LOL 

Oh hello, how do you do... *groans*

but you know, i'll work it out. ugh! 

it's quite strange that people/friends ask me how i'm doing in london. because i am doing okay, not like i have anything bad happening to me. in fact it's pretty good. but i kept having that thing in me, like i'm suppose to give a super exciting answer (like how you expect from movies and such?)!! 

"OH it's brilliant *english accent*! I'm enjoying my fish and chips, mash and bangers and wow, everything is lovely and tea is just so great." 

Good news is that, the college i'm studying is totally open to objections which i am extremely excited to provide! LOL.... bad news is, i can't communicate very well. so erm...really got to work on that. chinese food here sucks, if anyone is interested in that point. till then x

that isn't true. i think about your feelings too. maybe not all the times, perhaps not as thoughtful. it doesnt even make sense, some things that were mention... so tired. but i feel so awful now. i want to give in to that FUCK IT attitude... fuck i have school tomorrow. and my toe hurts, my foot hurts from the 10 blisters (big and small, what a happy family) i'd grew from all the walking, and i'm having flu. hurrah for me. i'm a giant douche bag and i don't want to care anymore.

that annoying self reflection thing

hey. readers of the internet, whoever you are, i don't care. hello if you're my friend, hello if youre 40 and jobless, hello if you're a cat! helloooooOOooooOOOOoo!

have you ever have that feeling that, you are suppose to feel grateful because you have so much in your life and that you should be grateful because there are tons of people who would love to be in your shoes? you have a great family, friends, supported by (almost) everyone you know and you have 3 full meals (though you choose to skip them sometimes), a warm bed and clean shower...so you have to be grateful! there are homeless, hungry and lonely people who don't have all these so you must be grateful and stop, just stop being such a whiney bitch...

but nobody knows the things you hide. the shit you can't say because you are afraid of the many factors and consequences that might occur if you do. and all these accumulate and become a giant faggoty ball of worry, unhappiness and all the negative ugly things. of course, there are people who gives stupid advices like; "Oh, it's a matter of perspective on how you see things. You know, see the half cup full instead? *giggle giggle laugh laugh HAW HAW*" It's not as easy as the act of saying but doing it instead. It's so hard! And then, with that ball of ugly sad things, it gets even tougher to actually feel grateful.... because you just get all caught up in it. 

And then you do that annoying self reflect thing every night before you fall asleep. 

"oh my god, why do i feel so depressed with all these crap. i'm so negative...i should be happy..cause blablabalbalbalablabal" ..... After which you would feel guilty because you aren't doing what you're suppose (which is to be grateful and thank god you're still pulsing and not dead like that poor woman who got hit by a falling tree branch...her mom's heart must'd been broken), which doesn't help at all and you continue to be dragged into this cycle of gloominess. 

i'm sure there are loads of people who are or had been in this situation before. if this doesnt get managed properly, it would probably be some mental case already. so in conclusion of this mini attempt in typing something which i'd reflected a little more upon...is nothing! 

just to be sure, i'm okay. just as of any 20 year old, a little confused and lost with my plans (or no plan at all) for my life. sad, but true. 

till then. x

okay

alright, i'm returning because it's nice to write down things in this blog. had this little shit hole for 3 years already! It's lovely to read back the old posts, so i SHALL CONTINUE AND LET THIS LEGEND LIVE ON! fuck...lol

i'd been swearing quite a bit in my head alot recently. it's kinda sad. well, anyway, i'm settling in nicely in london. it's a awesome, friendly and chilly place. enjoy the park strolls and rolls (on the grass) very much. maybe i'll take my camera with me and take some photos and what not. dont like the halls very much. my flatmates are really dirty in the kitchen and it stinks so bad i dont even cook in the kitchen anymore. gosh, i write such boring things. like, as if i've got no intellect. hey, that's not trueeeeeeee................

blargh. there's school tmolo! i better roll into the arms of my bed soon. till then.

good bye

i promise to really think through and blog about something useful. at least, to me when i read it again. this blog is so pointless sometimes. i mean, i always think when i'm alone but internet is too distracting. let me write it somewhere physically and transfer them here, soon.

meanwhile, i'd been replaying this mash-up for almost an hour. don't know, but maybe you would like to give it a try. it's always nice to discover independent, aspiring artistes (whatever you call it).



ugh, also i really like yu aoi. she's so pretty and natural and clean and neat and....wow she's 28! hard to believe.

also, i've had a hair cut and removed my braces. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... CHEWING ON NOODLES HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EASY. ciao~

BRB: sick and fat.