Tuesday, May 21, 2013

another chapter, wasted.

Yesterday was graduation.

thinking too much, it makes me miserable.
i drew this a week ago, and it's matching today's post!

It felt unreal because 3 years ago, when i walked passed the tcc during another particular graduation, I was sighing at how long it would take before it would be my turn. And then, yesterday was the day which marked the completion for my diploma. WHAT!!!! ....Even though i was relieved that it was over, i honestly felt that i did not make use of the time spent. it was very exhausting, design is very tiring! (okay, i do admit it was quite rewarding to see you assignments completed)...fineeeeee there were definitely many high and lows during this course of three years but i really didn't grasp the opportunities set front of me. :(  ....

i wasn't surprised when olivia was chosen to deliver the speech. during year one, i distinctively remembered gracelynn telling me how admirable she felt for olivia. she was extremely well liked, great social skills, pretty and produced kick ass works...PLUS she was already setting her online store selling shorts. oh myy, the denim shorts looked so good and grace said she asked olivia where she sourced the shorts from; of course she wouldn't reveal! so it was a little predictable when she went up to the speech stage, to have earned so much respect from everyone, including mine!

oh, that girl with the perfect hair, friends, grades and everything that i'm not.

and then, i reflect upon myself...my dad was disappointed. it wasn't like i could tell from his expression, he verbally told me he was disappointed, "you could have been one of them. having your name read out, with how you won the awards........." etc. and then my mom added, "if it's you on stage, delivering that speech, you wouldn't have been able to done it. your palms will get sweaty and stagger as you speak. you will never be that girl."..... i mean, that made me even more disappointed with myself. what is worst to have your parents attend your graduation, and then they have that look. i've wasted another chapter of education, not being able to make them proud, or make myself proud. and i have so little time left.

i really want to sulk, whine and go, "what, look i am not your perfect daughterrrrrrr *melodrama* so stop complaining, at least i didnt die or end up in girls' home while snorting coke or something". it's not like i was fail student. not the best, but at least a B student. COME ON! but that would be so silly and immature. you would probably say, "aawwwww don't be too hard on yourself, there's always next time!" BUT HOW MANY MORE 'NEXT TIME' ARE THERE IN LIFE.

it's so sickening. it makes me feel sick. UGHHHHHH. However, i know, i know...it's really my fault. i did not try hard enough. and each time i graduate from a new school, i kept wasting them. i can already imagine my aunt in canada telling my grandmother, "see, what have i told you, she's a money sucking useless bitch." LOL

me: "i am miserable! let me roll over this plastic bag and leave me."
reality: "come on, you have to move on."
from here

of course, i have to be realistic. pick up myself and continue with where i've left off. disheartening, but  i really don't want to give up. so, now what? a 9 to 5 job, which i know i would be miserable. very very miserable... or? one thing im sure is to get off the internet, it's sucking in my soul and all my time. :(

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