Tuesday, July 29, 2014

not vibing

just had a really good dinner. i feel so blessed to have food prepared by my mother every evening. :D


be your own muse, because you are still trying to find out about yourself.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Dr. Bigelow: So you took a chance on being happy, even though you knew that later on you would be sad.
Louie: Yeah.
B: And now… you’re sad.
L: Yeah.
B: So… what’s the problem?
L: I’m too sad…. Look, I liked the feeling of being in love with her. I liked it. But now she’s gone and I miss her and it sucks. And I didn’t think it was going to be this bad, and I feel like, why even be happy if it’s just going to lead to this, you know? It wasn’t worth it.
B: You know, misery is wasted on the miserable.
L: What?
B: You know, I’m not entirely sure what your name is, but you are a classic idiot. You think spending time with her, kissing her, having fun with her, you think that’s what it was all about? That was love?
L: Yeah.
B: THIS is love. Missing her, because she’s gone. Wanting to die…. You’re so lucky. You’re like a walking poem. Would you rather be some kind of a fantasy? Some kind of a Disney ride? Is that what you want? Don’t you see? This is the good part. This is what you’ve been digging for all this time. Now you finally have it in your hand, this sweet nugget of love, sweet, sad love, and you want to throw it away. You’ve got it all wrong.
L: I thought this was the bad part.
B: No! The bad part is when you forget her, when you don’t care about her, when you don’t care about anything. The bad part is coming, so enjoy the heartbreak while you can, for God’s sakes. Pick up the dog poop, would you please? Lucky sonofabitch. I haven’t had my heart broken since Marilyn walked out on me, since I was 35 years old. What I would give to have that feeling again…. You know, I’m not really sure what your name is, but you may be the single most boring person I have ever met. No offense. Give me my dog. Come here. You…. Don’t fall down

Saturday, July 26, 2014


hello. how are you?

feels like i just woke up from a really long nap and whatever happened for the past few weeks had just been a daydream. it's not that intense but i felt like it could have been, and it had been but it never was. it's alright, it was silly... that stupid scar looks even more stupid now. it looks like a frowning smiley. :(

there are many things waiting for me to worry and think about. it's a lesson learnt!


i wish you well reader, stranger, friend, etc...................

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Sunday, July 20, 2014

"How cruel, your veins are full of ice-water and mine are boiling." Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights

Hey hey

How are you? I'm not doing very well. Currently on a hospital bed, watching channel 5 and half heartedly typing this. My asthma had an relapse today!!! Almost died... literally held on to the edge of the table while my dad called for an ambulance. HAHAHAHA.... But im okay now....

I whatapped scorpio boy today. Seriously need to stop my itchy fingers.... because i was feeling lonely and there was wifi. And he mentioned that he would prefer to whatapp, yknow? So i sent a picture of my view on bed.... worst thing ever; double ticks and no fucks were given. man, ive never felt so frustrated about a boy before... ever! i told A.R about it and he said maybe he's confused or something but i think its the classic 'he's just not that into you'... so i'm really really going to stop now. KARMA! After ignoring other peoples' affection, now it's my turn to experience such shitty misfortune. sigh, my head is really a whirlpool now. pray for me to get well soon, and my heart... my poor heart.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

hive mind or the single mind?

our mind is a crazy intangible piece of ... i can't even think of anything to represent it because it's amazing and really, just crazy. or maybe, mine's crazy.

these past few days, ive been tormenting myself in the head over a boy. and it's really all my fault. i saw scenes and stories that ive fabricated out of nothing. delusional, and over bearing. it wasnt really ideas that i want to believe in, it's just these 'what ifs' again. i need to cool off, because i feel like im going mental and loose control.

i try to pick myself up
drag my shredded heart 
onward let go of another layer
left behind on the pavement. 
crimson mantras drip from my mouth: 
“let each scar remind me to kiss my own wounds.”

Monday, July 14, 2014

seems like after a wave roll by, another bigger one relapse. i feel like drowning again; in this ocean where my toes could never touch the bottom. maybe if i relax, and not try so hard, i can float again.

i dont think you like me as much as i like you so ive to stop. because i deserve better. bye bitchhhhhhhh

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.

i like talking, but i sort of don’t want to do it anymore… i just want to enjoy someone’s company that enjoys mine, and to be able to understand each other’s expressions and body language. i’ve got to this level with others, i don’t think they, nor anyone else has ever been able or cared enough to get to that level with me. i wannt someone to see every mannerism and know what i’m hiding emotions. i want someone to know when i’m lying.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

my belly button is so deep, it goes to another dimension

do you think you touched me and you know me? you're just a boy and i have galaxies growing inside me.

im not here, nor there...im everywhere but somewhere and no one would ever grasp.

i wanna lay on your chest and say what's on my mind

i feel kinda guilty because i hadnt been doing anything and my 3 colleagues are working on the project. and all ive been 'working' on is tumblring and reading horoscopes! HA!

ive been thinking about you and the things you said, and trying to decipher what it means. i am guessing you have the wrong conception; your relationships with people were probably unhealthy. maybe you'd been giving too much and it was one sided. are you possessive? because you love someone so much, you trust them and drown them in your everything...but they retaliate (maybe they were scare, you are too intense)...and you realized you've complicated it or poisoned it with your emotions and feelings.... so now you fear it might happen again.... but

you want sex. humans crave affection and sex or touch for that matter, is a physical way of expressing affection. but this is a two way thing, and i dont think anyone could ever separate sex from emotions/feelings... it has to have a foundation of all that to be possible. i hope you never cheapen yourself, you are amazing (probably beautiful too) and worth so much more than just sex... so fwb is definitely a fucked up idea.

i really want to uncover more from you, i dont know why... but ive never had this intuition before. but my gut feelings tell me that you dont want or need anyone to right now. it's okay though, i think i'll be a little sad for a while but theres always someone else in the world that i could find.

im glad youre satisfy with what you have in your life now.... freedom and goals to work on. i will always admire someone who enjoys taking challenges and goal oriented!! :)

sian loh. everyone i know is going out with someone cute. HI HI please drop someone from the sky so i can have a lovely summer this year. meh -insert praying emoji-

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

sometimes, i dont know what I want.

i cant see myself committing to anyone; too aloof and distracted to be connected to just one person. but i want to give it a go..try...i really want to. i dont want to be anyone's fling, or some fuck buddy. it's distasteful (no matter how i want to convince myself that it's fine if you crave for it too) but i just cant do it. people who wants friends with benefits are probably at the extreme ends. either they are too afraid to open up again or they have everything so there's no need for anyone else...it is fucked up both ways.

it's not fair. sex cant be sex (that's just fucking, and animals fuck...) it's suppose to be special and wonderful. not discardable. the thing about sex is you have to commit to someone for it to work. i want to pour my heart and soul to someone and try again but no one wants that.. and its all the wrong people. i feel so jaded, and it's all in my head :,(