Friday, May 31, 2013

dog: ''im getting out of here''

me: ''dont gooooooooo''

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


Please, please, please, let me let me... get what I want....
Yes, please take me away with you!

This marks the completion of my 2nd sketchbook! Not bad, since it's almost June. It's really filled up, but with the most ridiculous shit. Ahhhhhh, drawing crap is fun. I don't have to take anything seriously. I've always kept sketchbooks for school and it's been always more 'serious'. BUT HA! NOT ANYMORE! I wonder why I didn't get more sketchbooks just for doodlings...

 Was looking at this particular doodle (pictured above), and I was thinking how boring my life is. Bumping around, since I have recently graduated and I can't work cause I have to complete (have to attend lessons on weekdays) my last piano exam this July.Yes, I always complain about this and that, and therefore I wish aliens would kidnap me. Then again, why would they want me? I am a slooooooooOOOooOOOoooOOooB. Hahaha! Which comes to the point where I wonder why would anyone like me. Why would they want to spend time with me? WHY WHY WHY?  I am being incredibly non sensical, the last time I questioned myself why anyone wouldnt like me, and here I am doing the opposite.


Let me leave you with how I'm currently want to feel with this song. My brain is so small, like a chicken...

Sunday, May 26, 2013

When I woke up this morning, I wanted to go back to sleep. My head was still throbbing lightly, probably because I only had a few hours of sleep. In the end, I didn't complete the list of things which I'd planned for myself. Instead, I wasted today day-dreaming and being non-sensical, as usual. When will I ever grow up? Or maybe, I already have, just that I refuse to accept that...

Anyway, I drew this a few weeks ago. These days, whenever I'm out, everyone interacts only with their IPhones. It's so depressing because we are almost being controlled by these things that we created. Don't you think so, too?

Tech-no-logic :(

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

another chapter, wasted.

Yesterday was graduation.

thinking too much, it makes me miserable.
i drew this a week ago, and it's matching today's post!

It felt unreal because 3 years ago, when i walked passed the tcc during another particular graduation, I was sighing at how long it would take before it would be my turn. And then, yesterday was the day which marked the completion for my diploma. WHAT!!!! ....Even though i was relieved that it was over, i honestly felt that i did not make use of the time spent. it was very exhausting, design is very tiring! (okay, i do admit it was quite rewarding to see you assignments completed)...fineeeeee there were definitely many high and lows during this course of three years but i really didn't grasp the opportunities set front of me. :(  ....

i wasn't surprised when olivia was chosen to deliver the speech. during year one, i distinctively remembered gracelynn telling me how admirable she felt for olivia. she was extremely well liked, great social skills, pretty and produced kick ass works...PLUS she was already setting her online store selling shorts. oh myy, the denim shorts looked so good and grace said she asked olivia where she sourced the shorts from; of course she wouldn't reveal! so it was a little predictable when she went up to the speech stage, to have earned so much respect from everyone, including mine!

oh, that girl with the perfect hair, friends, grades and everything that i'm not.

and then, i reflect upon dad was disappointed. it wasn't like i could tell from his expression, he verbally told me he was disappointed, "you could have been one of them. having your name read out, with how you won the awards........." etc. and then my mom added, "if it's you on stage, delivering that speech, you wouldn't have been able to done it. your palms will get sweaty and stagger as you speak. you will never be that girl."..... i mean, that made me even more disappointed with myself. what is worst to have your parents attend your graduation, and then they have that look. i've wasted another chapter of education, not being able to make them proud, or make myself proud. and i have so little time left.

i really want to sulk, whine and go, "what, look i am not your perfect daughterrrrrrr *melodrama* so stop complaining, at least i didnt die or end up in girls' home while snorting coke or something". it's not like i was fail student. not the best, but at least a B student. COME ON! but that would be so silly and immature. you would probably say, "aawwwww don't be too hard on yourself, there's always next time!" BUT HOW MANY MORE 'NEXT TIME' ARE THERE IN LIFE.

it's so sickening. it makes me feel sick. UGHHHHHH. However, i know, i's really my fault. i did not try hard enough. and each time i graduate from a new school, i kept wasting them. i can already imagine my aunt in canada telling my grandmother, "see, what have i told you, she's a money sucking useless bitch." LOL

me: "i am miserable! let me roll over this plastic bag and leave me."
reality: "come on, you have to move on."
from here

of course, i have to be realistic. pick up myself and continue with where i've left off. disheartening, but  i really don't want to give up. so, now what? a 9 to 5 job, which i know i would be miserable. very very miserable... or? one thing im sure is to get off the internet, it's sucking in my soul and all my time. :(

Saturday, May 18, 2013

happiness is a smile away

you know how sometimes you have a really really sad friend and this particular person comes to you for advice or just wants you to listen? (it's rarer for me) but i think i give pretty ok advices, but never seem to follow them myself. joke of the century...after windows 8. :P

feeling a little bumped because i got rejected. but it's okay. okay it's but....

Playing this song when I'm really tired and it makes me want to cry. Meanwhile, in another part of the world....

"Today I came across goats playing on a trampoline while I was driving around and it was the happiest thing I’ve ever seen."

From here

The more I probe into reality, the more I try to know myself, the more worse I feel. I am blinded by my mistakes, my sins and all my losses. I see myself loosing, I drown more and the more I drown, the more empty I feel. The notion of life itself seems too vague and meaningless for me but that’s how I have to survive. Of course death would’ve been much easier but I’m not dead. I’m just simply drowning and there’s no escaping this time

It's always easier to choose to be sad and negative. It's so much easier....should I, or should I not?

Well. Today was swell. I mean, playing games. :) Another day not very well spent, but come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Should I go make ice cream on Monday or should I do something else? Omg, life has so much dilemmas, and there are children dying in the same continent.  

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

I'm officially graduating next Tuesday! Wow! Along with all my schoolmates, it felt like we really grew up. Shan't be teary eye now.... 

I want to digitalize my sketches. I have a tiny collection of sketchbooks now ^^~

Sunday, May 12, 2013

my eyes are being vacuumed by my cons. it's suffocating my eyes, but i don't want to take them off, because once i do, i'll fall asleep. and i want to finish typing this! > <

i think i'm in a pretty neutral state. occupying myself daily with things to do has become a base... well, base as in you add that base into acid to neutr- lol, nvm, i'm being irritating. but, i suppose it's helping and there's really no need to be negative......unless youre a battery...or a pregger test. LOL okay STOP that. it's going to be okay. im going to be okay. what's the worst that could happen? in case there's any grammar mistake, and you're sniggering about it. screw you, lol.

putting that aside.....

i am grateful for a company that i always wanted to have. it's great to have this source i can tell secrets to. like a real, tangible being and not just some ol' blog or whatever. YOU ARE REAL. lol not some glitch....or some....some......lagging youtube video.


with my determined face mask on, I SHALL WORK HARD AND STRIVE FOR THE GOALS I WROTE FOR MYSELF. meanwhile, some hazenut chocolate cakeeeee before i climb onto my bf*.... ;)

*bed, i mean.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

there’s still a little left of her in you. locked in the depths of your heart, you simply cannot forget her. the music she listens to, the people she was pictured with, the very last memories you could follow. 
i could tell from the way your heart lingers, like a whisper…infinite echoes.


sometimes, i wish nobody who knows me read my blog. feeling rather bitter about that.


Realistic. A little too much that it ruins you. Being so serious about everything you do, closing your heart to everything that could possibly give you joy. I have been a realist for too long, and let me tell you this: instead of making myself feel better, or more optimistic, my heart is becoming colder, and colder everyday. I have trapped my mind in darkness.

Monday, May 6, 2013

I'd just discovered the most perfect tumblr picture set that describe me 100%. it's like, someone stalked me and drew it all out!

yep. nothing to do. waking up with the sun glaring into my room

eat leftovers from yesterday's dinner + cartoons...adventure time 
OMG i used to take my baths like that too. but i have no bath-tub anymore :( and also my portable speakers. could soak for 3hrs with lush bubbleballs. 
tummy rub my dog. 

headphones+tablet. IT IS ME.

play my nds till my eyes hurt.
fall asleep waiting for a reply. :( drool.

it's so relatable and a little saddening too. all my friends are working and im still bumping around. being a little turd, fully (not) contributing to the society. good job sandy!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

someone told me to stop feeling sad, because worse things have happened..

telling people they’re not allowed to be sad about something just because “worse things have happened” is so disgusting stop. it's probably the dumbest. ugh.

i know, i know, why the fuck am i struggling to find happiness? it's everywhere....yet NO WHERE!

it is currently raining and im just blogging with some chinese tea by my side, and my dog. her belly is  so awwwwughhghhhgnggggggg. why don't i post something meaningful instead? :(
I am feeling really scare because I did something I'm not suppose to. Now, I'm just really really afraid of the chain of bad things that's gonna happen to me and...

Probably don't look like I'm feeling troubled. But can't you tell, despite the smile and 'sunshine' (lol...... ) from this picture, I'm desperately screaming S.O.S!?!?! Please God, spare me. I don't want to die young, at least let me finish experiencing what a 60 year old person would have experienced. Meanwhile, I've came across this magnificent picture!

OMG, if this is my home, I would never ever leave that little nook at the corner!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.
–Kurt Vonnegut

I saw this from my friend's blog. It is absolutely beautiful! A nagging reminder in my head that, I should not be worrying too much because worrying gives small things a big shadow. Rereading previous posts and realized how contradicting I am. :( Please God, help me!
ive lost all motivation to do anything these days and people dont understand they just tell me to get motivated yeah sure let me go down to the store and grab a bottle of purpose in life

have you ever?

Have you ever experience something like this? -

"let's go do something!"
"okay, but i'm busy, what about next week?"

but next week came and it was forgotten.

worst is, you somehow found out they are doing the activity you've suggested with another mutual friend. and you're nottttt invited.

i'm busy, you're busy, your cat's busy, my television is busy, everyone's busy! but if you really treat someone your true friend, you'll leave whatever time you have left with, and spend it with them. it is extremely annoying, when someone suggests, "hey let's catch up," but when you make an effort, they do not. and all they do is constantly flaking you off.

or simply, this concludes that im nobody's friend. im just so bitter, trapped in this little empty house.