have you ever have that feeling that, you are suppose to feel grateful because you have so much in your life and that you should be grateful because there are tons of people who would love to be in your shoes? you have a great family, friends, supported by (almost) everyone you know and you have 3 full meals (though you choose to skip them sometimes), a warm bed and clean shower...so you have to be grateful! there are homeless, hungry and lonely people who don't have all these so you must be grateful and stop, just stop being such a whiney bitch...
but nobody knows the things you hide. the shit you can't say because you are afraid of the many factors and consequences that might occur if you do. and all these accumulate and become a giant faggoty ball of worry, unhappiness and all the negative ugly things. of course, there are people who gives stupid advices like; "Oh, it's a matter of perspective on how you see things. You know, see the half cup full instead? *giggle giggle laugh laugh HAW HAW*" It's not as easy as the act of saying but doing it instead. It's so hard! And then, with that ball of ugly sad things, it gets even tougher to actually feel grateful.... because you just get all caught up in it.
And then you do that annoying self reflect thing every night before you fall asleep.
"oh my god, why do i feel so depressed with all these crap. i'm so negative...i should be happy..cause blablabalbalbalablabal" ..... After which you would feel guilty because you aren't doing what you're suppose (which is to be grateful and thank god you're still pulsing and not dead like that poor woman who got hit by a falling tree branch...her mom's heart must'd been broken), which doesn't help at all and you continue to be dragged into this cycle of gloominess.
i'm sure there are loads of people who are or had been in this situation before. if this doesnt get managed properly, it would probably be some mental case already. so in conclusion of this mini attempt in typing something which i'd reflected a little more upon...is nothing!
just to be sure, i'm okay. just as of any 20 year old, a little confused and lost with my plans (or no plan at all) for my life. sad, but true.
till then. x